Crystal Palace have become the latest Premier League club to come under American ownership. For several months details about complex negotiations have been leaked to the press regarding the situation, however TEE can exclusively reveal that talks concluded successfully over the weekend and that the Premier League approved the deal late Tuesday night.
The full details of the deal are beginning to emerge and the sheer scale of the new investment is set to rock the football world. Multiple Wall Street investors have joined forces with a view to fast-tracking the South London club to the next level, with plans already set for converting Selhurst Park to a brand new arena housing an initial 45,000 fans with room for expansion should on-field success meet with project plans. The club will temporarily move to West Ham’s Upton Park after a deal was reached to delay development of that site for a two-year period.
Plan for a summer shopping spree to strengthen the squad have been drawn up and manager Alan Pardew is said to be ecstatic with the funds on offer, which will enable Palace to not only bring in some of football’s biggest names, but to appropriately reward the current squad for their performances in keeping Palace in the top tier for a second season. A number of big name players are being spoken to about a move to SE25 – with Radamel Falcao, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Wesley Schneider, and Nigel De Jong already being lined up for summer moves after indicating a strong interest in the project.
Whilst the deal has been on the cards for some time, much of the hold up has been centered on the future vision for the club. The existing owners, who will all retain a stake in the new setup, were keen to retain the character and traditions of The Eagles. Whilst this has been done for the most part, compromises have been made to ensure the deal went through. Palace officials have agreed that the new ground will be referred to only as an “Arena” and not a “Stadium” and a sponsor for naming rights will be sought immediately.
In addition, the kits are to be known as “uniforms” and the term “attack” will be replaced by “offence” along with a change in pronunciation of “Defence.” In the arena food outlets will serve Burgers, Hot Dogs and Apple Pies, with chips now being called “fries” crisps called “chips” and “fries” called “french fries.” Nobody is sure what a the point of a pretzel is, but they will also be available.
The Palace badge will be revamped on a weekly basis and is to be referred to as the “Team Emblem” – which has caused consternation due to the similarity to “Team Emblen” – which is a well known supporters’ group fixated on former Palace midfield ace Neil Emblen.
Palace have also made an application to the Premier League to have home matches start an hour earlier and be split into quarters. Half time will be extended to an hour and will feature elephants dressed in the stars and stripes parading up on down the pitch, led by the squad players as part of their half time warm up. Barry Bannan, as has been well publicised, holds a licence for managing performing animals, so the new owners are keen to extend his contract at the club.
What is certain is that joining Josh Harris and the Blackstone Group in the endeavour are a number of high level Wall Street professionals – including such luminaries as Carl and Bud Fox, Sir Larry Wildman and Gordon Gekko. These are exciting times for Palace supporters and football as a whole – the investment will move quickly. Money never sleeps.
Gordon Gekko circa 1987
